When you realize…


July 20, 2017 by jenniferdawn73

It is a crazy thing when you see something you’ve been looking for for so long, people replied to my last post (at least on Facebook) and it was actually a surprise to see the reactions, care and response. I didn’t think anyone was reading what I was writing, could understand what I was thinking or cared. And then to realize how selfish those thoughts actually were, so I keep on writing.

Why is it so hard to be real? 

I recently asked someone why I wasn’t getting and responses to my posts, and they essentially told me I was beating around the bush to much and I just needed to be real. So I publish a blog post that really expressed what I was feeling, and have been off and on for as I can remember. 

No it isn’t all pretty or nice, but like I said in my last post it is my story.

Being real means being vulnerable, and that’s dangerous. People might relate and show they care and love you, or they may think you’re just putting on a show, or be so turned off and not want to deal with you any more.

Anxiety and Depression Suck  

I am happy to say I have more good times than bad recently (ha in the last week, since I’ve been on vacation it’s been good – but looking back at my journal from the last 2 1/2 months there have been quite a few days that were really bad). It seems like the bad ones are worse that they used to be. I have been wondering if that’s just because I’m hyper aware of what I’m dealing with and not just writing it off as “it’s just the way you are and people need to deal with it”. Yes it’s the way I am, however there is a reason behind it and I need to figure out what that it.

I really want to go see a therapist and find out what actually is going on, but I can’t seem to get to the courage to call. I always seem to have an excuse. The current one is I can’t find our insurance information, there have been reasons before and probably will be again. Why am I struggling so much. . .

Life is Great

Why can’t I focus on the good things, the great things of my life? Why do I seem to cycle back to the frustrations and the negativity? I have an amazing church family, a ministry that seems to be going well, a family that loves me, an amazing husband who cares about me.

I was going to publish the following as a second post, however I’m just going to add it here, cause it’s just more of what I’m dealing with. It doesn’t seem to fit right here but it does seem to go along with the question, why can’t I just focus on the positive and the good things in my life.

I wrote the following when I was in the middle of a panic attack, so it may be fairly random at moments. . . not that everything I write isn’t random or choppy…

In the middle. . .

Not something I ever wanted to admit or own up to but. . .

I struggle with anxiety

And if I don’t write about it when it’s happening I can’t remember what it’s like when it’s not, so the post I write later isn’t as real, or I end up beating around the bush and not sharing what I intended to.

Sometimes my heart will start to hurt for no apparent reason which is often followed by it racing and thoughts flooding and not being able to think straight or straighten things out, often followed by or simultaneous with tears. Not fun. . .

Right now I just want to cry, curl up in a ball and let it take over cause then I know it will be gone, eventually. But instead I have to keep working and getting the things done that I’m working on. I have about 20 things on my to do list and if I don’t focus on finishing one it will never get done, but by focusing my brain can’t handle that I’m not working on the other 19. It continues to hurt and the tears continue to pool up, then someone else texts me and tells me they can’t make it or needs me to do something else or asks me another question, adding one more thing to my list of things I’m not working on.

All of that is then often followed or accompanied by self hate thoughts, “I hate my life”, ” You can’t do anything right”, “Just give up”. I have been working hard to memorize scriptures to combat those and replace them with the truth, cause the truth is, I don’t hate my life! I have an amazing life, busy, stressful, joy filled life. I know I do a lot of things right, but often all I can see are the things I do wrong. It hurts… it all hurts.

Just give up. . . 

. . . is probably the scariest thought that seems to attack me the worst at moments like this one. This is really the first time I’ve actually taken time during one of these to write.

The End. . . 

Wow, that was a ride to read again. As I sit here, about a week after that all went down, trying to find a way to finish this blog post so I can publish it, I read about a music icon committing suicide today. Which tears me up! I wish I could say I can’t imagine what it feels like to be at the point where it seems like there’s no reason to keep going. And I know the hope there is in Jesus. I know that those thoughts are a complete and total lie. But they still attack, they still come and try to tell me that my life isn’t worth it, that I should just give up. I found a journal entry from about 2 months ago where I wrote “Do I just stay here and forget about life”, what is that about seriously, I know better. Why can’t I just get over it? A question I ask myself often! I am grateful for the protection of the Lord, over my mind and over me, cause there have been moments where the struggle has been more than real. One night I can remember in the last year I got in my car and wouldn’t allow myself to turn it on cause I didn’t trust myself to drive home safely. I prayed, screamed and cried a lot, and the Lord was there, and I got home safely and the thoughts were gone (for a season). That doesn’t mean they won’t come back, but it does mean that God is bigger than what I struggle with! He is honestly the ONLY thing that has gotten me to almost 35 years old. There is no way I would still be here if it wasn’t for Him. There is a reason I struggle with what I do, and if that reason is so you can see a way out, then I’ll continue to struggle. One of my favorite sayings right now is “It’s okay to not be okay, it’s just not okay to stay there” don’t know where it’s from or who said it first, but it’s true! I’m not okay with staying here, but it’s okay when I’m not ok!

You know what, you’re not alone! I can’t say everyone struggles with the things you’re struggling with. But there is someone who does, maybe it’s me, maybe it’s someone else! Reach out to someone and talk to them! Do it today!

The photo for this post was very intentional, it was a beautiful day, everything looked just fine but there is a major storm happening right under that beautiful cloud. Just cause your life looks okay doesn’t mean it is, and that is okay. But remember it’s not okay to stay there! God is bigger than what you’re dealing with and He will go through it with you!






One thought on “When you realize…

  1. Darlene Jackson says:

    I have so much respect for you and your courage to publish your journey through the tough times, and to share so honestly with others. It certainly helps me to better understand the process you go through to deal with your life. I feel others, myself included, may feel challenged to take a closer look at ourselves and even though anxiety may not be our struggle, we all have something. Thank you!

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