August 8, 2017 by jenniferdawn73
What now, what next, what is taking me so long to post another blog are several of the questions I have been asking myself in the last two and a half weeks as I process through the things that I shared in my last two blog posts. . . what happens after you share something you’ve been dealing with as long as you can remember? I don’t know, I don’t know what happens. Do I keep sharing, I really hate that the only time I seem to have time to post a blog is on a day when I’m not feeling the best! Here’s hoping my next blog entry will be a much more positive one, I have so many good things I want to share and I feel like I always post on days when things aren’t going well, or that I’m not feeling well.
The amount of you that told me you had no idea what I am dealing with really told me that I did a better job hiding things than I thought I did. Don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, still trying to work that one out.
Sometimes I wish I could show you the amount of time the cursor spends blinking while I’m attempting to write a new post. I sit, trying to figure out how to say the thoughts that are going through my head, and so often I feel like I can’t figure out what I’m trying to say.
So I’ve started just typing my thoughts and going back and attempting to edit them to make them slightly more readable for your benefit. I had a friend describe my writing as stream of consciousness writing, and that is fairly accurate, I feel like I write best when I just write my thoughts
The last two and a half weeks
In all honesty the last two and a half weeks have been a bit of a blur over all. They have been good, I’ve only had a couple days that have been really down overall I’ve been upbeat and able to push through. I’ve been really busy getting back from vacation and getting back into the rhythm of church, workouts and home. I still feel like I’m not doing anything well enough and that I need to get a better handle on things. I don’t feel like I’m organizing my ministry the way that I need to, or my home life and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m frustrated.
I came back to running a midweek ministry program for the children of Real Life & the ones who came to VBS. It is going well, much better than last fall when we started it. However coming back on Wednesday and jumping right into running that didn’t give me much time to think, and then it was the end of the month and I had two months of bookkeeping to get caught up on. Now it is caught up and I’m trying to just get the normal stuff done. Trying to keep up with things, I don’t feel like I have anytime to get ahead, which I know I need to if I’m going to successfully do the things I’m supposed to do.
I have started setting aside time to play and worship again as of last week, which has been good. Worship is the one thing I don’t think I could see my life without. I am praying about what that means and what I’m supposed to do about that.
I also came back to this, I knew it was there, but it is still overwhelming. My office at church has been on a downhill journey since Easter and with me being gone the week after VBS I just told them to put everything in there and I would deal with it when I got back. . . well. . . I’m back. I spend about 3 hours (probably only 1.5 of them productive) in there yesterday and made some progress, however it is still a mess.
I want to organize, I want to make it better and all I can do it move the mess from one place to another and it is driving me crazy!
To be completely honest today is not a good day, feeling super emotional and just want to go back to bed. Got up, worked out, went home did housework, showered got ready for the day and all I want to do it go back to bed. It’s not what I’ll do, and I’m trying to fight through and pray to get to the place where I know I’m “supposed” to be. But I’m not there yet.
Today the thoughts of “I’m done”, “I don’t want to do this” & “I just want to quit” are running rampant. But I will dig deeper into the Lord and push through because no matter what I feel like I know that Matthew 19:26 is always true!
26 But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 (ESV)
If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you so much! I’ve had several friends reach out to me today that really have made this day so much better! If it weren’t for all of your prayers and thoughts I know I wouldn’t be where I am.
Take some time today and send someone a note or a message and see how they are doing. It might be the difference between a good day and a bad day!
Love you, thanks for reading, commenting & reacting to my Random thoughts and ramblings.